unforgiven past : an advice to myself

throughout my fascinating life, there were two big moment which has been the turning point of my destiny.. one tragedy changed the foundation of my principles and one event changed the path of my career..

i was too young that time to understand the meaning of betrayal and rejection when i accidentally bumped into the scene that i thought i would never forget for the rest of my life..i am confused of being too naive upon my knowledge that everybody knows about it, but not me.. instead of having a furious teenage anger, i felt it was my own fault to hold on to the love that never meant for me.. this is the point of time when i gotta understand that love is about giving and the phrase 'cinta tak semestinya bersatu' emerged to a sweet compassionate feelings.. and how i have been a complete stupid gentleman to wish them happiness and suffered myself with sorrow for the next 7 years..

but that is history to me.. the sorrow has groomed me in such a way to create a person that have high tolerance on faults and failures, and enjoying every moment of my life as it is.. becoming a person who need nothing but to give more whenever he have a chance.. looking back at it, i don't have regret, eventhough at some point of time i believe that i should not giving up the battle.. hence, i have won the war..

during those miserable years, not once but so many times i felt anger and hate.. angered because i don't prevent it to be happened.. i felt i wouldn't find happiness again in my life after i'm letting her go.. the sadness, wheeping between the pillows, scratching wall of hopeless.. i hated myself in so many ways.. but then one fine morning, i felt like i have to forgive myself.. from that day i begun sweeping the dust of my unforgiven past..

the other event was to pursue the dream of trying to make world a better place.. a dream to position myself in such a career that i can be solely own by the people.. that is a dream that i shared with my great father since i was 10 years old.. but somehow God has other plan for me.. i was drowning on the sofa, suffocating the failure of my third attempt.. trying to swum for the air of making the most catastrophic decision to let go the dream and set new path of my life.. will i regret?

the bitterness of my constant failures makes me awake the whole nite.. i'm not only giving up my dream but begun to giving up hope.. as if my whole life is a total nonsense filled with bullshit and i'm start to pity myself.. it is a cruel world.. life has been unfair to me.. nevertheless, life is meant to be unfair.. fair is when you accept things as it is.. pig can't be something else but a pig, but they've been blessed by longer orgasm than homo-sapiens..

then it comes to my sense that dream will never fade.. you can still achieve it no matter which road you're taking.. fate is not the enemy of our dream.. its always ourself being the dark angel pushing us towards the other room of our self-created hell.. letting go doesn't mean we failed.. it just like taking one step back, re-calculate probabilities and making a new strategies.. it just a chance for us to explore the new divine path.. a re-route to align with God's will.. that very nite, i forgive myself.. again..

but why am i telling this boring story?

few days ago, a very good friend of mine came to me and ask if i could give him an advice.. i don't remember what i have told him that night.. but the day after, he told me that i said he have to forgive himeself and yet he don't understand what i mean.. sometimes when we said something, it merely about telling it to our ownself..

there are a lotsa mid-section in life.. paths which we have to choose.. i would say most of the time i have slipped and fell.. hard.. there were so many time, i choosed the wrong path consciously.. even there was a time when i felt the burden of my sins pushing me down heavily and darken the light of my soul.. i feel ashamed to God.. no matter how ugly i brutalized my life, He still shines me with the light of opportunities.. i feel ashamed for not forgiving myself when He never say no to all my prayers..

i always said life is a process.. its all about understanding ourself.. seeing beyond the difficulties and sorrow.. life has made us what we are today.. living life is neither about crawling back the nostalgia of our past experience nor excitedly jumping high for our optimistic future.. living life is today.. learning from history and strengthen our dream.. the history end today and also the future begin today.. we are always in the mid-section of a wonderful life to create our own heaven or hell..

one of my good friend gimme a tip for living life.. we hafta feel the urgency of kindness and delay the gratitude of wrongdoings.. if you think what you would do would benefit life, create the urgency.. and if you feel you would benefit life by harming others, delay your own gratitude..

then when another good friend of mine asked if i have a chance to go back to my previous life and changed the very moment that i regret most.. i told him i would not changed a bit.. i'll do the same thing all over again.. the bitterness has lead me to a path of sweetness.. what i really need to change is today..

sorry for getting personal today ;)

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