i've met an eccentric young man yesterday and astonished to his perspective on egoisme. he said people give away love in thaught of could had it back. people expected others to do the same, especially when they had done a lot. its not how thing work in this world according to him.
he went on explaining that normally when people went out searching for love with a half glass, means they are not fully happy and expecting someone to fill their glass. that is wrong! to him, 'to love is to give' is not how love works. i just hold back my opinion and empty my cup listening to his perspective.
"when you have a half glass, and found someone else with also a half glass, which means both of you are yet fully happy with your life, and you think it is love to have filled the other person glass with what you have, because its been implant and programme in your brain that love is about giving. and after you give so much and beginning to feel that your glass is already empty, you expect the one that you filled their glass would do the same in return, filling your glass. that is where you get broken heart," his body languange shown that he is on fire with the subject.
he said that the first rule of love is about loving ourself. we have to accept and love ourself first, before somebody else would love us. we have to filled our glass first. we have to invest on our own happiness, instead of investing in others so that we could get the same in return. the idea of love is not to fill others glass by emptying our glass. we would never feel happy, and the other person will also doesn't feel completely happy when returning the favor.
"love is about giving is doesn't works. you don't give it out, but you spills it all around you. you have to be happy before you can make people around you happy. you have to have a lot of love, so that people around you cannot resist but insist to stick near you to feel the love spilling from you. you don't need to go out looking and makes others to love you, but others would eventually gathers around you. love is contagious," he told me with a smiling eyes.
everytime we looked into a mirror, what did we really checked? most of the time, we were not happy with that man in the mirror. we always tried to find something wrong about him and fixed it. what we didn't aware is we always look on the negative side of ourself. same goes to women, the would search for a small tiny lines of wrinkles, the flabby fat under the sagged skin, spot of freckles and disgraced pimples, the tone of the colour and tried as best as she could to covered it. we don't feel good until we cover it with something, and along the life we were terrified if someone could see the things that we had discovered on the mirror in our room. how can this make us to be fully happy?
"we must accept ourself as what we are, before we could love ourself. this is the golden rule. how could you expect others to accept you if you can't accept who you are? how could you wanted others to love you when you, yourself, don't really really like your own self?" he went on confidently in his red fiery losse shirt.
"feels good about yourself. do what you think is a must to be happy. do it until you can look in the person in mirror and be proud of him."
"but won't it be a selfish to always put yourself first, being ego person?" i thrown the most common feedback that i always heard, but only to put a smile on his face.
"ego is good and selfish is another issue. to love yourself is not only to love who you are, but also to accept the people around you as what they are. life is a game. and you have to play the game accordingly. why we want to love ourself on the first place? so that others could feels the love that spillover from us. its mean that you care for others, and in order to care for others, we have to care about ourself. its just like the flight instructions, when the pressure goes down and the mask fell, you have to put the mask on yourself first, even before you put it on your baby on your laps. it doesn't mean we didn't love the baby more than ourself but the priority and the way love should be. you can't feel love when you have give it all."
"most of the people said that our happiness lies on others. they happy because they made somebody else happy. but then tell me, when you give away all your love and not get it in return, won't you feel empty? emptiness would left you without love. you would hold on it, but the love is gone. and by the time you realize it, it already too late. you can't feel the love anymore."
"when you know that your glass is full, spread it. don't hold it back. when you happy, get everyone around you to feel your happiness. don't keep it for yourself. this is the selfish part. when you keep the spillover only to yourself, then you would go overboard. when people, in search of happiness, coming to you wanting to be infecting by your happiness didn't get infected, you would only end up suffocate in your own full glass."
while he went on showing all the strategy to enhacing and upgrading the intimacy and romance in relationship, my mind drifted to my children. children are amazing creatures. the fact is they don't give love to us. they cried whenever they wanna cry, the hold us because they feel comfortable in our hot arm, they don't do it because the love us, they do it because it comfortable. but how can we could not love a baby?
love is first in our head, not in our heart. the first condition when we like someone is purely an animal instinct. its not love, its only lust. love happened when you invest more on them, and they invest more on us. more time, more money, more energy, then love built up. we will begun to loose it when we stop investing. we stop communicate, we stop having more time together, we stop spilling our love and we lack of tasting the spillover from them.
hence, in most of cases, when we felt emptiness, we tend to give it away more in desperation of had it back in return, and as the result, we still don't get the spillover and felt more of emptiness. then i learned one new skills in love.. whenever you feel emptiness, don't go out giving it away, instead that is the very moment you should look back into yourself and create happiness until you got your glass full and spill it over around you. whenever you don't feel the love from your spouse, it was because they don't felt the love from you. love and respect more and more about you, more and more of it would be felt by all the people around you. you cannot demand it but you can, for sure, spill it to the world. because love is contagious. people can't get infected when there is no diseases. hope you get what i mean.. ;)
Dr. Tuling graduated from CMCC in 1997 (cum laude). Immediately after, he was accepted to the post-graduate position for the Clinical Sciences Fellowship programme.